Tug-a-War

My childhood and my future both walked up to me today, tied ropes around either of my wrists, and started pulling in opposite directions. I looked from one to the other in a panic because my arms were being stretched to their limits and then I had one of those "time stands still" moments. I peered into the eyes of my childhood and found comfort and my Mother's loving arms. I found friends who I care about more than anything and experiences that showed me who I am. I saw my Dad holding my seat as I learned to ride a bike at the bus stop and the doll house that sparked my imagination and habit of day dreaming. I saw all those times I sat in the car with my best friend talking for hours or laying in the grass enjoying the silence. Although my arms were aching with the constant struggle, I smiled into the eyes of my childhood. They were so familiar and kind despite the incessant tugging. 

Then I turned and met eyes with my future. What I saw there terrified me and made me laugh and cry. So much excitement was in those eyes yet so much unknown. I couldn't see my friends or my doll house. It was just this hazy blur. I wanted to relent to one side but the other was pulling just as hard. 

And now my heart is conflicted. I'm being pulled in two directions and it's tearing me apart. Because half of me is so tired of high school and being a kid and people that treat me like I'm nothing, but the other half is wanting to stop time and make this era last forever. 

I am blessed with the dearest friends and my life is full of joy. I have so little responsibility and I don't know if I'm ready to enter adulthood. But mostly I'm not ready to let people go. Not only am I losing all the guys to missions and all the girls to different colleges, I am losing myself. Different friends bring out different Michaelas and I'm not ready to give up the Michaela I am with each of these people. I kneel by my bed every night to send my plea heavenward: "Dear God, bless me to enjoy these moments while they last. Amen". And I'm sure one day I'll read back on this blog post thinking what a dramatic teenage girl I was because probably none of this confliction will matter, but right now, the girl behind this keyboard is deeply feeling these emotions and has no idea what is ahead for her. I dread it. I long for it. And I'm terrified.