Alls About MMP

I'm an adult today. So here's a few things about me just because:

1. I dream of going to India. If I could choose anywhere to go on this entire planet, I would go there. The culture, the colors, the textures, the food, the music, the dancing. I love it all. I will adventure there with my husband someday.

2. I'm an "extroverted introvert", as my grandmother would say. I do love social situations and being with people and being wild, but I honestly don't mind spending a Friday night by myself. I like my Self and what I have to say. I think I'm pretty interesting.

3. I have had crushes on boys since I was probably three years old. I never went through the "cooties" stage. I've always loved them and will continue to pine.

4. I like being tickled. No matter how much I protest, I secretly love it. 

5. I took the love language quiz (yeah, don't judge me) and it was impeccably accurate. My #1 love language is quality time. Spending one on one time with my friends makes me feel so loved and looked out for. If someone doesn't take any time to talk to me then I assume we aren't actually that close. And close up there as my #2 love language is physical affection. If you know me well enough, you know that I am the snuggliest baby you've ever met. And I am always in the mood for a hug.

6. My roof is my safe haven. I climb up on the roof almost everyday (unless it't winter time). I feel more connected to myself when I'm above everything and I don't have to listen to all the voices coming at me from all sides. I think some of the times I have felt closest to God is when I've sat on the highest point of the roof and prayed aloud. My mind has room to breathe up there and the stars seem that much brighter.

7. I wear an Irish wedding ring on my left index finger and it's been there for almost 4 years now. It is made up of two hands (representing friendship) holding a heart (representing love) with a crown on top (representing loyalty). The Irish say that friendship, love, and loyalty make up the best marriages. And when the point of the heart is facing out, it means that you are still searching for your true love. I can't wait for some man out there to take that ring off my finger and turn the point of the heart around.

8. I like the smell of campfire, even when it lingers on my clothes. Being in the mountains or in the forest is heaven to me.

9. I have a favorite freckle on my face. And when I use mouth wash I watch it dance around on my cheek.

10. I'm deathly afraid of mannequins. I know it is ridiculous, but seriously. They could come alive behind your back and kill you. Anytime. So watch out.

11. I have a talent for writing letters and I write people letters at least once a week. I love stringing words together into beautiful reminders of who people are. When people forget their worth, I feel responsible to remind them.

12. I like taking pictures. Of landscapes, and people, and sports. But mostly I like photo shoots with people. Because I like showing them how beautiful they are through my eyes. Building others' confidence is my favorite.

13. When I drive by myself I scream, laugh at myself, and repeat. I'm also usually smiling for no good reason, just that I like driving and I like the music in my car.

14. I don't like being wet unless I'm at a lake or a spontaneous water fight breaks out. Being wet means being cold and having to wash my large amount of hair AGAIN. So if you ever want to play with me in the summer, know that I would much rather roll around in the grass than jump into a pool. Unless it's one of those wild nights. Don't ask.

15. On my 16th birthday, I got asked on my first date ever. He brought me a bouquet of flowers and asked me in the middle of a huge crowd. Yeah, you better believe I was blushing like a tomato. 

16. My hands are always cold. I think they are meant for being held.

17. If you even read one entry in my journal, you would know exactly who I like. It's dangerous. I know. Especially since I carry my journal everywhere I go. Anyone could go sneaking around and discover all my deep dark secrets. But I suggest that you don't. Because one of my deep dark secrets is that I've always wanted to punch someone. So yeah. That could be unleashed on you. Don't try anything.

18. I'm an adventurer and always will be. And I'm excited to find a darling person that will adventure with me.

Just trying to figure it out.

I went to St. George this weekend with many of my friends and I sat there one night, curled up in my sleeping bag, giggling with some of the greatest girls I know, and I found myself in a very different conversation than "so who do you like?" 

It was a soul to soul talk. And I don't think I realized until then how much company I have in the "struggling with my self confidence" state. I look at these beautiful girls who are all outgoing and happy and I think, "Wow, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be silly and cute like them?" but as we all spilled our guts to each other, I found that I'm not the only one who is still trying to figure out who she is and how she feels.

I haven't decided if I am who I think people view me or if I am who I view myself.

In one day I can feel so much.

Today, I am sad. I feel disconnected and far away from people. Boys don't care. I am not particularly good at anything. I don't do anything hard because I'm scared of failure. No one likes me. I don't stand out in a crowd of Mormon girls that are just like me. I don't really like mirrors because I don't always like what I see. I could disappear and no one would notice. I write all the time but it isn't articulate or beautiful and it will never measure up. I want to cry. I get embarrassed. I disappoint.

Today, I like him. Oh wait, no. I love HIM.

Today, I am happy. I feel connected to people. I know that I am desirable even when boys don't like me. I am good at stuff. I can do hard things. I am liked. I am loved. I am a light. I am cute even with metal in my mouth. People look forward to seeing my freckles every day. I am smart. I can put words together pretty well--like I could be a writer someday. I am so giddy that my heart feels like it will explode. I can laugh at myself. I exceed expectations. I am pretty freaking awesome.




"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

I guess this means I'm human.

Forgive My Complaints.

Soon I will be 18. And I am not excited. I used to look forward to birthdays like Christmas morning, but I'm dreading this birthday like AP testing and saying good bye. I dread the expectations that are married to February 23rd because as Billy Shakespeare said, "Expectation is the root of all heartache". I try to prime myself by waking up and putting my normal brain in and normal face on, but you can't help but try a little harder to be positive and pretty since you took your first breath so many years ago today and you feel like people should recognize you for it. 

I hate walking into school and feeling a little miffed when people pass me in the hall and forget to say those two silly words: "Happy Birthday". I hate reminding people it's my birthday and making them feel stupid for not saying anything. I hate the week before where you want to shout to the world that your special day is coming up but you don't want to sound self-interested and self-ish. I hate that I want to have a crazy party but I feel dumb having a party centered around me. And I would feel just as dumb having someone else throw a party for me because I still feel awkward being the focal point in a large group. And yet I still long for some recognition?

Mostly, I am not prepared to become that scary number. 18. That number gives you so much responsibility and stature. That number means you are old enough to move out and step onto that ominous platform called "REAL LIFE". I've always looked up to these seniors in high school as being mature and ready to move on from the stress and party that is high school, but I never realized that just because you have been elevated to seniordom does not mean you are ready for adultdom. There is still a child in my bones that wants to spend every afternoon exploring the creek in the back yard. And the last thing I want to do is lose that curiosity and zeal for life. 

I don't want to grow old. 

So forgive my complaints, but a birthday is what I dread the most this year.

I Long For The Forest.

When I used to get down, I would climb up. I would wipe away my tears and run to the park and scale the tallest tree I could find. This one pine was my favorite. He was my best friend. Each branch was placed perfectly so I could climb higher and higher until I found the tip of his finger that touched the sky. And there I would sit, observing the cars passing by.

No one else's opinion mattered but his. He accepted me in his embrace no matter how many knots were in my hair or how many sap stains were on the back of my pants. He liked my bare feet and torn t-shirts. And he enjoyed afternoons of watching me eat food out of my lunchbox. I was at liberty to be myself with him. No pretend smiles or curtesy laughs. Ugly cries and joyful hollers welcome.

Me and my friends.

I miss him.

And I miss that me.

Words Left Unsaid

Amidst the rivers of saliva

 and the taste bud mountains 

is the forest of 

words left unsaid. 

So long have these words 

lived on the tip of my tongue, 

that they have taken root 

and sprung into an evergreen wood. 

Their leaves are reaching for the sun 

that is your ear drums. 

And they long for that vitamin D. 

Your presence is like an ax 

threatening to cut this forest down, 

and I haven't decided whether I am a 

fiery conservationist 

or an angsty deforester.

Inspired by Tyler Knott.