Just trying to figure it out.

I went to St. George this weekend with many of my friends and I sat there one night, curled up in my sleeping bag, giggling with some of the greatest girls I know, and I found myself in a very different conversation than "so who do you like?" 

It was a soul to soul talk. And I don't think I realized until then how much company I have in the "struggling with my self confidence" state. I look at these beautiful girls who are all outgoing and happy and I think, "Wow, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be silly and cute like them?" but as we all spilled our guts to each other, I found that I'm not the only one who is still trying to figure out who she is and how she feels.

I haven't decided if I am who I think people view me or if I am who I view myself.

In one day I can feel so much.

Today, I am sad. I feel disconnected and far away from people. Boys don't care. I am not particularly good at anything. I don't do anything hard because I'm scared of failure. No one likes me. I don't stand out in a crowd of Mormon girls that are just like me. I don't really like mirrors because I don't always like what I see. I could disappear and no one would notice. I write all the time but it isn't articulate or beautiful and it will never measure up. I want to cry. I get embarrassed. I disappoint.

Today, I like him. Oh wait, no. I love HIM.

Today, I am happy. I feel connected to people. I know that I am desirable even when boys don't like me. I am good at stuff. I can do hard things. I am liked. I am loved. I am a light. I am cute even with metal in my mouth. People look forward to seeing my freckles every day. I am smart. I can put words together pretty well--like I could be a writer someday. I am so giddy that my heart feels like it will explode. I can laugh at myself. I exceed expectations. I am pretty freaking awesome.




"So this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

I guess this means I'm human.