Disconnect

All I do is run around trying to make connections. I just want my heart strings to intertwine with someone else's for two seconds a day and then I will be satisfied. But lately I feel a disconnect, like the lightbulb in my head isn't quite screwed in all the way so there's no light. And ultimately, I have come to realize how lonely my little lightbulb is. It all comes down to this: we are all alone inside our heads.

I stood there today at lunch smiling when I was expected to and giving curtesy laughs to the jokes that weren't funny. I hugged people and wrinkled my nose when they teased me. But when I looked into people's eyes I didn't feel seen. It continually amazes me that it is completely possible to feel lonely in a crowd.

My heart is slowly retreating into the caverns of my rib bones because I'm frightened of this disconnect (I know it's a paradox. Don't tell me what to feel.). I feel this all coming to an end and my fingers are grasping for things that seem just out of reach. I want to make long lasting friendships with people but all "they" ever tell me is that you never stay in touch with your high school friends. 

I'm scared of my own apathy.

I'm scared to go to college by myself.

I'm afraid that even when I think they do, people don't really understand me. You. You think you understand me but you don't see the tears I shed when I'm sitting RIGHT behind you.

Time has me in shackles and gravity keeps me down.

I just want to scream.

It frightens me that I am ultimately alone in my brain and yet I don't understand it. At all. I thought at least I could understand my Self.

Someone please knock me over the head and look into my skull and comprehend what is in my brain.

Someone please screw the lightbulb in. 

It's dark in here.