Incandescent Joy

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen thinking of what to say that would satisfy my need to express the feelings that blossomed this weekend. This weekend was full of Discovery. On Sunday, I sat in the chapel with over 200 other people from school and partook of the sacrament. It sounds like such a simple thing, but to me it was a very personal experience. It wasn't that the talks were specifically wonderful or that there was anything out of the ordinary to spark extreme self-discovery, but I seemed to be completely in tune with the spirit and received this incandescent joy that only comes from a spiritual high. 

I sat there watching two of my friends bless the sacrament and thought of how happy I was that I was surrounded by worthy priesthood holders at my school, and all of a sudden I realized that this joy is what it is all about. We have the gospel, scriptures, atonement, prophets, commandments, and temples all to ultimately achieve eternal joy. We get little Costco-sized samples of this joy once in a while on this earth, but the eternal goal is to accomplish the joy of having a whole Costco in your pantry. 

After church, we strolled around the temple and my spiritual high continued. Is it weird that I never cease to be amazed that I live in a place of all Mormons? I could have never imagined how much that one fact would mean to me--that we can go to church as a school choir, feel the spirit together, and walk around the temple as friends is peculiar and wonderful. 

Once incandescent joy was discovered, I discovered two more things--music and a friend. There's this indescribable feeling of elation when you work together with other talented people to create something unique and spectacular. It isn't achieved just by singing, but by uniting and delicately feeling out the music as a group. The power that this creation has is undefined and yet so very tangible in the hearts of all that feel it. I felt this elation in Virginia almost every time I sang with my choir, so leaving that choir was one of the most emotionally strenuous things I have had to do thus far. When I came to Lone Peak, I never thought I could feel that elation with such a large and not so disciplined choir; I was wrong. It took all year to achieve it and to connect with each other and the unexpected feeling took me by surprise, so much so that I cried aligator tears. We were singing Thou Gracious God, the last song in our fireside, and this power took root in all of our hearts and all of a sudden we seemed to be one--one choir singing praises of joy to our God. It was like looking down during a frigid walk in winter and discovering a million dollars laying on the ground. So unexpected, and so remarkable.

And what made that day even greater was that I found a really unexpected friend. Discovering something that you never dreamed of finding is one of those things that is continually pleasing. This friend was someone I knew before this weekend and yet never took the time to talk to. He has, quite possibly, the most unique and deep mind I have found inside a teenage boy--ever. In fact, the reason I decided to write this blog entry is because I read some of his blog and was inspired. He is a deep thinker, a talented writer, and a good listener and that unexpected find was like a breath of fresh air. Not many boys think about the things he does or even care to give me the time of day about my thoughts. Before this weekend, I had all of these pre-conceived ideas about him and they were all completely wrong. I truly savored the hours and hours I had on the bus with him just to pick his brain and find out what makes him tick. 

But do you know what is absolutely silly in every way (yes silly is the only word that fits this context)? As we neared the school after the over night/afternoon bus ride, I became really down. Not only was this weekend of incandescent joy over, but it almost felt like that unexpected friendship would be over too. Of course, I wouldn't choose for it to end so abruptly after such great conversations and connection, but I exposed this insecure fragment in my heart and began to think that this was a tiny era in both of our lives and after it we would go back to acquaintanceship. All of a sudden the joy of the whole weekend was shattered and my heart was frantically trying to sweep up and glue the pieces back together. It was all so silly, because joy is something that comes a taste at a time. 

Just because one era of joy is ending does not mean you can not cherish that little crystal in your heart. It's so easy to be more sad that it is over than happy that it happened. But good news! That crystal of joy is not just a memory that you leave behind, but a triangle of light that you can carry in your pocket as you walk away and think about all of the good that came of that experience. Even though the weekend is over, I can still use that crystal to get me through the last few weeks of school and the stress that accompanies it. I can choose to plant that crystal in my garden of joy and a little crystal tree will grow there. That one era of time can be a source of strength to get me through. It should not be looked at as sad because it is in the past. And that friendship I found on the bus will also be a crystal in my pocket. That discovery of a friend (who has the coolest brain ever) will stick with me even if he chooses to move on from our friendship. Because no matter what happens after this incredible weekend, my garden of joy is still that much bigger.