Incandescent Thoughts

I've gotten into the habit of writing on this blog when I'm upset and I need to be heard. I guess cyberspace is a pretty good listening ear. But I think I have mis-informed my readers (if I have any). I have been representing myself in a cryptic, deep, dark, dramatic kind of way and I realized that's not what I want to be. That's not who I am. And that's not what I'm advocating.

Yes, I am sometimes cryptic. To most people that know me, I am the girl that will tell you anything because I am so open. If you ask me about my life I will disclose my whole heart to you. But in reality, I don't disclose myself to almost anyone. I can count on one hand the people that really know me. Sure, I will tell you any story you want to hear and if you ask I will tell you even the deepest part of my heart, but my soul is still pretty untouched. My crypticness stems from a longing to be known. I guess that really doesn't make sense at all. I'm still trying to figure myself out.

Yes, I am deep. Wow. That felt good to say. I don't claim to be the most knowledgable, interesting person on the planet, but I have a constant flow of deep things in my mind and I want to share them. My little neurons are just trying to comprehend how to get these thoughts out in an effective, pleasing way.

Yes, I am sometimes dark. Not in a Satanic, evil kind of way, but in a focus on the negative. It is just so easy to feel upset and turn to the pen for some relief. And then I end up hitting "Publish" because I think my writing seems kind of beautiful and then people think I am weighed down and depressed. 

Yes, I can be dramatic. Like right now for example. "Look at me! I am so misunderstood and mysterious!"

But all of this isn't the essence of who I am. This is who I am:

I am a human trying to understand herself through writing. I am a girl trying to develop her talents. I am a chaser of light. I am a seeker of good things and satisfying connection. I am a friend and a counselor. I am positive even when there isn't a clear solution. I am a baby and I get scared sometimes. I am strong and I can face hard things with my chin up. I have an undeniable testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am content with who I am. 

I can't tell you that I won't post any more sad things on this blog. Writing is my outlet. And hard things do happen. But I can tell you that I am a happy person and I want to represent myself more accurately. The truth is, happy people are flippin' attractive and there is nothing that can replace a joyful heart.

Me as a wee lass. Haven't changed a bit.