Incandescent Joy

I'm sitting here staring at my computer screen thinking of what to say that would satisfy my need to express the feelings that blossomed this weekend. This weekend was full of Discovery. On Sunday, I sat in the chapel with over 200 other people from school and partook of the sacrament. It sounds like such a simple thing, but to me it was a very personal experience. It wasn't that the talks were specifically wonderful or that there was anything out of the ordinary to spark extreme self-discovery, but I seemed to be completely in tune with the spirit and received this incandescent joy that only comes from a spiritual high. 

I sat there watching two of my friends bless the sacrament and thought of how happy I was that I was surrounded by worthy priesthood holders at my school, and all of a sudden I realized that this joy is what it is all about. We have the gospel, scriptures, atonement, prophets, commandments, and temples all to ultimately achieve eternal joy. We get little Costco-sized samples of this joy once in a while on this earth, but the eternal goal is to accomplish the joy of having a whole Costco in your pantry. 

After church, we strolled around the temple and my spiritual high continued. Is it weird that I never cease to be amazed that I live in a place of all Mormons? I could have never imagined how much that one fact would mean to me--that we can go to church as a school choir, feel the spirit together, and walk around the temple as friends is peculiar and wonderful. 

Once incandescent joy was discovered, I discovered two more things--music and a friend. There's this indescribable feeling of elation when you work together with other talented people to create something unique and spectacular. It isn't achieved just by singing, but by uniting and delicately feeling out the music as a group. The power that this creation has is undefined and yet so very tangible in the hearts of all that feel it. I felt this elation in Virginia almost every time I sang with my choir, so leaving that choir was one of the most emotionally strenuous things I have had to do thus far. When I came to Lone Peak, I never thought I could feel that elation with such a large and not so disciplined choir; I was wrong. It took all year to achieve it and to connect with each other and the unexpected feeling took me by surprise, so much so that I cried aligator tears. We were singing Thou Gracious God, the last song in our fireside, and this power took root in all of our hearts and all of a sudden we seemed to be one--one choir singing praises of joy to our God. It was like looking down during a frigid walk in winter and discovering a million dollars laying on the ground. So unexpected, and so remarkable.

And what made that day even greater was that I found a really unexpected friend. Discovering something that you never dreamed of finding is one of those things that is continually pleasing. This friend was someone I knew before this weekend and yet never took the time to talk to. He has, quite possibly, the most unique and deep mind I have found inside a teenage boy--ever. In fact, the reason I decided to write this blog entry is because I read some of his blog and was inspired. He is a deep thinker, a talented writer, and a good listener and that unexpected find was like a breath of fresh air. Not many boys think about the things he does or even care to give me the time of day about my thoughts. Before this weekend, I had all of these pre-conceived ideas about him and they were all completely wrong. I truly savored the hours and hours I had on the bus with him just to pick his brain and find out what makes him tick. 

But do you know what is absolutely silly in every way (yes silly is the only word that fits this context)? As we neared the school after the over night/afternoon bus ride, I became really down. Not only was this weekend of incandescent joy over, but it almost felt like that unexpected friendship would be over too. Of course, I wouldn't choose for it to end so abruptly after such great conversations and connection, but I exposed this insecure fragment in my heart and began to think that this was a tiny era in both of our lives and after it we would go back to acquaintanceship. All of a sudden the joy of the whole weekend was shattered and my heart was frantically trying to sweep up and glue the pieces back together. It was all so silly, because joy is something that comes a taste at a time. 

Just because one era of joy is ending does not mean you can not cherish that little crystal in your heart. It's so easy to be more sad that it is over than happy that it happened. But good news! That crystal of joy is not just a memory that you leave behind, but a triangle of light that you can carry in your pocket as you walk away and think about all of the good that came of that experience. Even though the weekend is over, I can still use that crystal to get me through the last few weeks of school and the stress that accompanies it. I can choose to plant that crystal in my garden of joy and a little crystal tree will grow there. That one era of time can be a source of strength to get me through. It should not be looked at as sad because it is in the past. And that friendship I found on the bus will also be a crystal in my pocket. That discovery of a friend (who has the coolest brain ever) will stick with me even if he chooses to move on from our friendship. Because no matter what happens after this incredible weekend, my garden of joy is still that much bigger. 

Three Days in the Life of a Lone Peak Goer

School started on August 23rd and after three days of survival I have noticed many differences from the strict and often overpowering life as a high schooler in Virginia.


In the Hallways:

Yes, you see the picture; mullets are rampant in the halls of Lone Peak. How those boys think it's attractive, I do not know. They are all very attractive young men until you look at their head and you go from business in the front to WABAMM party in the back. Not a good looking hair style. If they're trying to bring it back, it will never work.

And what is more popular than the famous mullet is the rather obnoxious and quite disgusting rat tail. I am not a fan at all. I secretly wish that I was allowed to run around the school and snip them off of each boys head. They probably wouldn't even notice...

I'm so used to hats not being allowed in school so every time I see someone wearing a hat I expect an administrator to come flag 'em down. I never really understood why hats weren't "appropriate for school" so I'm excited to have that option. And even though I will most likely not wear hats on a regular basis, it's nice to have the freedom of self expression at my disposal.

In Virginia there was a strict rule against all electronic devices between the hours of 7:20 and 2:10 but at Lone Peak you are actually somewhat encouraged to use your cell phones in the hallways. As long as they don't see them in class, you can use them as much as you want. I see people walking down the hallway and talking on the cell phones between almost every class. I like this more easy going atmosphere.

This aspect of my new high school makes me feel like I'm in a movie because I feel like the stereotypical high schools have those kids that carry around their ghetto blasters and that's exactly what it's like. They blast the music through the hallways on a ghetto blaster just like the one in this picture. Not only that but at lunch they...:

Break dance and have dance parties. Seriously, I feel like I'm in High School Musical. This is my kind of entertainment for lunch. In Virginia they rarely played music in lunch and we never ever danced.

The "open campus" lunch is very different from Robinson Secondary. At Robinson, we had to stay in the cafeteria the whole lunch period unless we had a pass. Here in Utah, you can leave school and walk across the street to Subway, McDonalds, or Walmart, or sit wherever you want in the hallways, in the commons, in class rooms, ouside, etc. Once again, I feel like I'm in a movie. This is pretty stinkin' cool.
In the Classroom:
Everyone's Mormon. I've always known that Utah is mostly Mormon but I am shocked at how prevalent it is at school. In Virginia, there was a strong separation between school and church but here in Utah they almost intermingle. I was in theater yesterday and we were going around introducing ourselves and people openly talked about stake dances and girl's camp. To think that everyone understood that kind of lingo. Wow! I am in shock. In Math someone talked about their sister and the teacher told the class he saw that boy's sister at the temple. In my sewing class we had a survey we had to take around the room and get other students to sign if they had certain qualities. There were things like "same month of birthday" or "likes the same food" and then there were a few like "has a brother or sister on a mission" and "read their scriptures last night". I seriously can't even believe it. In English, my teacher talked about her mission in England. I love being so open about beliefs and the church. It's kinda like an extended EFY on some levels.


There are more differences that I've noticed and I'm pretty sure I could go on and on but I am not aiming to write a novel so hope you enjoyed. I think I need to work on ending posts. The End.

Letter to a Long-Lost Friend

Dear Running,


    We've known each other for quite a while now and our relationship hasn't been the steadiest. I would like to blame our rocky friendship on you, but I am the guilty one. I've been ignoring you for some time now and I feel it necessary to apologize. We used to be best friends and then I got lazy and let everything go. I know it's been almost 8 months since we talked but I want to let you know that, even when I don't act like it, I really do love you. 
   
    I remember when we would spend time together everyday and you built my confidence, letting me know that I could do hard things, despite my weak, human nature. You taught me to endure to the end even when the trail is rough. Our group of friends was so much fun and we were there for each other day after day.
  
    I think that if I tried to put my finger on why I haven't been the same around you the past few months is because the cold months got me down. I found it hard to see you when it took so much effort to get outside. Spring time came and I thought it the perfect weather to come see you but I felt so bad that I hadn't for so long that I stayed away. My next excuse was that it was summer and too hot to get myself out the door.


    But now the excuses are over. I am ready to be friends again, even with the awkward stage of getting acquainted once more. I promise to see you at least 5 times a week. You are too precious to lose. 


Love,
Michaela Proctor


P.S. I thought it would be good to include a few pictures of us together. We had some good times!

Look how happy we are together.

We've gotten through some tough times.

Us and all of our friends.

Taking a water break.

O Jerusalem

        I was spending the day at my Grandma's house last week and we got talking about Jerusalem and how special it is. She rummaged through her office to find a book that my brother, Andy, made after his experience at the BYU Jerusalem Center. My Grandma left me to journey through the pages of that book and as I did I felt a longing I had never felt before. This force like magnetism, drawing me to that holy place. I had heard my family tell me over and over how wonderful that Holy Land is, but I had never felt it's power until I read that book. After this realization of the love I have for this place I have yet to go to, I have resolved to do everything in my power to get there. I want with all my heart to walk where my dear Savior walked and to feel the power of those ancient walls. I can see how Jerusalem has marked my family and I want that mark on my spirit as well.
        This realization came with a yearning for travel in general. I love to experience new places and learn the history and the culture of a people. I love photographing sights and capturing feelings. My parents have always told me to not let my schooling get in the way of my education but now I know that I shouldn't. Will I remember two weeks in Jerusalem or another two weeks in high school? O Jerusalem, I long to see thee. I want to be changed by your spirit and filled with your beauty. Here is a video my sister made after her experience at the Jerusalem Center.

So today marks the day I have resolved to do everything in my power to experience all that I can, to pull back the fleshy parts of my heart and let life in.

The Big Picture

      I had Girl's Camp this past week and Trek the week before and I have been filled with a knowledge of the love the Heavenly Father has for His children. His great love is so incomprehensible, and yet we can be given a taste of His love if we just ask. Trek was a trial of faith as we hiked through the hills of Virginia. I am so grateful that the Lord sees the big picture and knows exactly what experiences we need in order to be successful in life. He knew that just a day after Trek I would be making my own trek west and using those same lessons I learned in the "wilderness". He knew that as I learned to really put my trust in Him during that trying women's pull, I would know to put my trust in Him when it felt like I was pulling that handcart alone in life. I only have the view through a telescope, but He can see the whole universe. 

       One of my favorite trials from Trek was when we were blindfolded and had to pull the handcart as a group. We had to listen closely to the instructions of our Mas and Pas and had to walk slowly so we had time to follow their promptings. That experience was really a type of life. We seem to be very blinded in this world and the only way we can get to our destination in safety is to listen to our Father in Heaven and follow his promptings exactingly. Even if we feel like we are walking blindly, we have the guidance of our Father to help us whenever we need it. This is a lesson I have learned on my own Trek west.

       The day after Trek ended I packed my bags and took a plane from Virginia to Utah. Although I did not have to endure the hardships of the trail and the physical pain the pioneers had to endure, I still felt a lot of pain and made a seemingly large sacrifice. I still had to leave behind everything I knew and loved and I had to forge the way for myself. We are all on our own journeys. We are on wilderness journeys that can sometimes feel lonely and difficult. Isn't it comforting to know that we have Heaven on our side? Even though leaving my home behind, not to mention my friends and family, was hard, I'm already realizing what God has in store for me. The spirit prompted us to move and so I knew I had something wonderful in my future. 
        Girl's camp in Alpine was one of those wonderful things that God blessed me with. He blessed with fast friends and a ward full of strong girls and great leaders. It could have been so much harder. I could have made no friends and I could have been placed in a small, struggling ward. How was I so blessed to be put in this town, in this house, in this ward, with these people? God's love is endless.
        Although moving could be considered a trial, I'm just going to count it as one of my many blessings. Leaving my life long home and close friends was not easy, but I know that because I trusted the Lord and moved forward with the prompting to "trek" west, the Lord will provide. Even though I left without my family, our house in Virginia hasn't sold, and I am living out of a suit case for most of the summer, I have so many great things to be thankful for.
       One devotional we had on Trek was about finding the good in everything, like the pioneers. To persevere and push forward with hope even when you think all is lost. This is what I am trying to do now. As I look for all of the blessings I am given, I realize just how wonderful life is and how much my Father in Heaven loves me. There are a few things to be sad about but there are many, many more things to be happy about. Oh how grateful I am for a Father who orchestrates my life so that I go on Trek and learn to endure trials right before my own great trial, who gives me friends in a place I am unfamiliar with, and who has blessed me with a positive attitude at this time when a negative attitude would be so much easier. May God bless you with that same knowledge, for it makes life so sweet.

Spontaneity At Its Finest

This weekend has been full of fun times and spontaneity. Friday night I spent my time with three of the most amazing people I know. We had a great time running around late at night and doing the craziest things. It's those times that I feel like a real teenager. Like I've captured that "high school" feeling that I dreamed about as a kid. Nothing planned, just completely off the wall and care free. Not caring who is watching or judging you, you will make a long chain of straws at Five Guys. Not caring how uncomfortable it is, you will cram into a tent and watch Letters to Juliet on a lap top in the back yard. Not caring how dark or muddy it is, you will run through the woods with your white shoes on (yeah...they're not white anymore). Not caring how illegal it is to trespass on a play ground at night, you will sit on the swings and talk forever. That feeling of complete freedom and excitement is hard to beat. I wish we had taken pictures that night, but it might have taken away from the craziness of the whole thing. Some of my favorite, spontaneous memories:
(these aren't in any kind of order)

Having a trampoline party on a school day in March 2010

Climbing in the rafters at Girl's Camp 2010

Playing the spinning dummy game on Pizza Night with the gals in my group at EFY 2009. I took a lot of videos...but the health counselor was the best!

Finding a tunnel under Blarney Castle in Ireland and finding a little cave where we took a picture.  Good times with those fun people. (British Isles Cruise 2009)

Other times I don't have pictures for:


Running through the fountain at Fairfax Corner with a bunch of friends and then have it start to pour rain. What made it even better was that we randomly asked these boys to dance with us so we danced with them in the rain. Oh man. I wish I could replay that day. (2009)


Having a bonfire with a bunch of awesome Mormon people and then running down Sideburn Road at 11pm and stealing road signs. Wow. We are illegal. (2010)


Driving to a dance with Ariel Campos and friends. I was scared for my life but we blasted the music and danced in the car and I felt crazy but it was so fun. I was a 14 year old with a bunch of 17 year olds and I was on top of the world. (2009)


I would continue but my spontaneous, teenage self must follow some rules and get to bed. Here are some pictures from Mormon Prom to entertain you until the next post:

The beautiful ladies

The group. Aren't we kinda pretty? :)

The studly guys

Me and my date, Jeff

I loved my dress! The little details were so pretty. 

Curly hair is my favorite. 

Me and one of my best friends ever, Ariana

Thanks to Beautifully Modest, we were looking pretty fine in our super modest dresses!

Our fancy dinner in Ariana's backyard

Given to See

A few months ago when my Mom was on a plane, mid-flight, a thought struck her that has now struck me today like a ton of bricks. As she was sitting in her cramped seat, reading a book, she heard her neighbor ask for a cup of cranberry juice. As the stewardess was preparing the drink, my Mom was shown in her mind's eye a scene of the stewardess dropping the cup all over her book. She had a feeling to move her book so that the juice would not hurt the book, but of course, she thought nothing of it. "My mind is being quite creative" she thought. "Of course that wouldn't happen". And do you know what happened? Exactly what she saw play out in her head. To my Mom, it seemed crazy that such a random event would be given to her to see before it happened. The spirit acts in mysterious ways. Why would she be given to see that inconsequential moment in time? I think that God is teaching us to trust in him, even in the smallest of situations. To trust even the tiniest promptings because you will be blessed for following them. But sometimes what you are given to see isn't an action you need to perform like moving a book, but sometimes it is just a little reminder that all things will work for your good. I experienced that kind of thing today. I ordered a dress for the Mormon Prom a couple weeks ago and I had been a bit nervous that it wouldn't come in time. The dance is this Saturday, the 21st, and as this week began I was feeling a little scared about having to go to Prom without a fancy dress. But in the back of my mind I had a feeling that Tuesday would be the day that it would come. I knew it, despite my nerves. Why didn't I just trust that feeling and let go of that worry that gripped my stomach? I realized I need to trust those feeling more often. Trusting in the Lord and what He tells me makes life a lot easier. Instead of thinking, "What if this dress doesn't come? What if I get it a day late? What will a wear? Will it fit? Are things going to work out?" I should make life a little easier on myself and let that worry go.


P.S. I will post pictures of the dress ASAP :)